


To Love The Boy, To Love The Girl

by L_C_Weary



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Personal Growth, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 19:11:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17648333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_C_Weary/pseuds/L_C_Weary
Summary: The first anniversary of Seth Gordon's death found Allison and Renee in a bathroom. The second in a church. The third in a dodgy club. The fourth in bed.





	To Love The Boy, To Love The Girl

**Author's Note:**

> Queer ladies for the win.
> 
> Not first language. No beta. You can figure the rest.

Allison Reynolds cried once every ten years. If someone asked one of her friends and somehow they were made to answer truthfully, they would say, she only cried in rage.

Then Seth Gordon died.

The first anniversary of the cruelty done by the Moriyamas was celebrated with tears, something Renee wasn't prepared for. She was aware of the date and tried to offer her condolences in the morning, which sounded truly cheap, however it was her only idea.

They didn't talk about it in the morning, not about Seth, not about anything, only at the late evening when Allison got back to the dorms.

Renee's hair was wet and covered with the last layer of colour, with the blue and the red dye, and she was standing in her bras when she open the bathroom door. She was surprised Allison showed up back at their room in this evening. Sure, when Allison wondered what she wanted to do that evening Renee offered a movie night, more for the formality of it, but everyone knew the blond wasn't going to take it.

"Hi," she greeted Allison, rather woefully, who looked beaten down. Her attire was perfect as ever, but even her makeup couldn't hide the black circles under her eyes and those amber eyes were also glinting wetly.

"Hello," Allison said without a smile that should've been present on her, in any other situation if the blond would've found a friend with dishevelled hair. "Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt," she said. "I just want to wash my makeup off, if that's okay," she explained.

"Of course, come in," Renee said with a smile as honest as it could be. She was secretly glad Allison didn't decide to drink alone or drive off somewhere to crash herself to a lamppost. Renee stepped away from the door, letting the blond in.

Allison walked over to the sink and put her cosmetic set on the shelf. Renee quite gingerly walked back to the edge of the shower, waiting if Allison wanted to talk or just chit-chat, not that the bathroom was an appropriate place for that.

Allison, of course, didn't, so Renee reached tentatively for the shower head to wash her hair again, getting the unnecessary dye out of it. She tried to keep an eye on Allison, under the rushing of the water.

When she finished, trying not to be too obvious, spent an unimaginable amount of time just squeezing the water out of her hair as she didn't want to leave Allison alone or start to dry her hair, if suddenly Allison felt like initiating a conversation.

Allison smelled faintly of alcohol, she probably got to the club, where she wanted to spend the whole night, just must've turned back. Renee was anxious with the uncomfortable tension in the air, she wanted to reassure Allison that it was alright, she didn't need to look so strong all the time, it was okay to be sad. Renee, somehow, wanted to make the blond feel at least a bit better. Because Seth death was truly without reason, it was ugly and served no purpose in the bigger picture or in the end. He just had to die because of one self-satisfied man.

Their dorm room's door suddenly clicked as someone opened it, Dan getting home, most likely, so Renee as a precaution got up an closed the bathroom door on themselves. As the goalie gathered, Allison only allowed herself to be beaten down around Renee and she didn't intend to abuse this offering of Allison.

When Renee turned back, cautiously glancing at her roommate, trying not to outright stare at her, Allison was crying. Renee was frozen at place. Allison was crying, silently, shoulders trembling with the power of it, her fingers gripped the edge of the skin, her already pale fingers turning white.

Renee was stuck at the door, unable to move, she was just looking at Allison in her ruins. Her face was damp, under her eyes the dark paint of her eyeliner drawing her black bags. She looked wrecked and it shook Renee to her core. She never saw Allison like that, not even after Seth died. After he was murdered, technically. Back then, Allison just locked herself into her room, they only heard her break and smash things, while screaming. Back then, there was more anger, more fury and less inability to right the wrongs, less undeniable pain. Bearing this, a weeping Allison, was so much worse, Renee wanted to make it stop, just wanted to help somehow, but she didn't know the hows of it.

She understood what it meant to Allison, consciously opening up in front of Renee, which she was grateful for, she felt sickly privileged and it even made her proud no matter how awful it made her feel at the same time.

"Allison-," Renee wanted to say something comforting, yet she just choked on her own falseness. Allison breathed heavily, tossing the puff and the tube of makeup remover into the sink, stepping away, like seeing herself in the mirror was frightening.

Allison's harsh breathing was filling the small, stuffy room and Renee felt exposed in a way it made no sense. She was never too good with words but at the Foxes she carried that title - the title of the good and nice girl, the one with the knack for handling feelings well - which was bullshit and she knew better than to believe it, but deceiving herself like she knew at least something never felt this shitty.

Allison was not acknowledging Renee anymore, she was just staring at herself like a madman, before raising her hand, pulling it back, then punching the mirror with her fist.

"Allison!" Renee stepped closer, but the blond's fist contracted with mirror again, this time making the glass crack. "Stop it," Renee pleaded, grabbing Allison's biceps. 

Renee didn't really realise Allison had enough power to break mirrors, she was not the slacker of the team for sure, but she was always the fast type rather than the strong one.

This proved Rene something else. She tried to concentrate on anything else than the adoration she felt for Allison and her power, but it was not working well. Her mind was mushy and confused. Renee was desperate to stop the blond by any means possible, however Allison ripped her arm out of Renee's modest grip and aimed for the mirror again. And again, until, for the sixth time the mirror shattered into pieces and its remains fell to the skin with a clinking sound.

Then it was silence. Allison was trembling, not with pain, it didn't even seemed to register in her mind. Her arm was just hanging limp by her side, blood oozing from her knuckles, if Renee saw it correctly even some pieces of their cheap mirror got stuck in her flesh.

"Is everything alright inside?" came Dan's concerned voice. No one answered her.

"He wasn't supposed to die," Allison said, dangerously quiet.

"I know," Renee responded, because she had no other words to offer, just her understanding. She knew, of course she knew Seth wasn't supposed to die, and there was nothing they could do about it now. She knew the heaviness of the past, maybe even better than Allison, but she still couldn't ease her pain. And pain was pain no matter what.

"Josten," the blond turned towards her, voice harsh and forceful. "Josten or Day," Allison stepped closer. "They should've been murdered," she said vehemently. "It was their fucking fault!" the blond screamed. "They are the ones who should be dead. They brought this whole shit on us," she blamed them, shaking violently.

"You don't mean that," Renee tried to reason as calmly as she could. "It was not their fault. It was Riko Moriyama's fault and he got what he deserved," she said, even though death wasn't the correct solution to anything. It was worthless to argue with Allison about this, for obvious reasons.

"Bullshit," the blond shouted at her, Renee didn't let her eyes twitch, while her heart started galloping inside her chest. She was afraid and mad and scared shitless that Allison was going to ruin herself over Seth's death. "It's all about them, all the time, when _they_ should rot in the ground."

"Allison," Renee said voice pleading, powerless.

"Don't you think I would do it?" Allison came closer again, eyes gleaming with anger, grief and some much uselessness Renee could practically she own reflection in Allison's pale brown eyes. "I would kill them any day, if it would bring him back," she said, words getting caught by her softer emotions. "At least I could do something for him." A teardrop ran down on her face. Loneliness was clearly eating her alive.

Renee knew the exact words which were advisable to avoid, but she was not strong enough. She had to tell it to Allison, before it blew up her own heart.

"You don't mean that," Renee uttered with intent. She wanted Allison to comprehend what she was saying.

The goalie wanted Allison to comprehend, to see inside Renee just for a moment, she didn't care if the blond saw all the ugliness too, she just needed to be worth of Allison's affection enough for her word to matter. In a dream universe Allison would've stopped and let Renee hug her, while she sobbed and trashed, never talking about murder.

Dream universes didn't exist. Nothing magical like that existed. She could only hope God was watching them and giving some kind of consolation to Allison.

"I do fucking mean it," Allison growled dangerously. "I would kill them with my own hands," she said, eyes glinting with mania. "Beat them to death with their goddamn exy racquet," she laughed for a split second, lips twitching upwards, just the slightest. "That would be appropriate," she mused.

"Don't say that," Renee practically begged her.

"Why not?" the emotions burst out of her. "Who the fuck's stopping me?" she asked, loud enough, probably even Dan heard it at the other side of the door, where she was, without question, listening. "Your Andrew would kill the whole fucking team if Aaron got hurt, Wymack would blow the school up if something happened to Dan or Matt or Day," her eyes were filling with tears again, voice breaking over heavy emotions.

Renee was looking for answers in her mind, anything to say to put a stop to Allison's fury. Despair and hopelessness were clouding her judgement, making her thought process slower.

"Everyone would be fucking upset, if another bone was to break in the team, but when  _he_ died, no one cared," she screamed. It was probably heard all over the campus. Renee couldn't find her voice. "No one gave a fuck Seth-," her voice broke like saying Seth's name was the last straw, the breaking point, "Seth died and everyone acted like winning the fucking cup was going to be some kind of revenge. Like he gave a fuck about exy. It was never his dream. He was recovering and they embarrassed him like that even in his death," she sobbed backing to the wall, moving dizzily. Allison put her hand over her mouth to silence her crying moans, bending in half with quivering shoulders. "He would've deserved so much better than a fucked up victory," she cried, words getting incomprehensible.

"I know," Renee tried to calm her, without a lot of hope. "I'm so sorry. We didn't do it properly, I know," she apologised, "and I can't know it for sure, but _you_ have to know, he would want you to-"

"I don't give a shit what he would want for me." Allison looked up at Renee. "I was there for him to know when he wanted to do something stupid I could tell him no," Allison screamed. "You don't understand it. No one even cares to think about it," she breathed our, chest rising and falling with warning capacity and speed.

"Let me clean the cut on your hand," she tried a safer approach. Allison looked at her confused, before the pain seemed to get to her mind. She groaned softly, raising her hand to look at it, like it was something wild, not her own doing.

"I-, don't," she raised her eyes to Renee. "I'll deal with it," she said with a great sigh, energy leaving her as she lost her vehemence.

"I'm not mad at you," she said, attempting to achieve a soothing tone. Allison's smile was bitter.

"You should be, Walker, just a moment ago, I had pretty ugly thoughts about you, wouldn't have taken much to shout it to your face," she confessed. Renee tried to look as a good friend should and reached for the First-Aid kit they kept in a shelf over the previous place of the mirror.

"Believe it or not, I've been angry before," much angrier, "and believe it or not, I don't handle it well," she assured Allison, sloppily. She knew the blond was going to take it as a joke, but it was alright at that moment. Renee could live with just the occasional smiles Allison gave her, if Allison still had smiles to give.

Renee had to learn how to live without it, within a year. She had to, because she was not letting herself break over something as trivial as one wonderful girl, when her life was back on track after so many years.

Allison, in the end, let Renee clean her wounds.

* * *

Renee, in all honesty, wasn't sure, how she wanted to spend her adult days. She knew what kind of a person she wanted to be, it gave her reassurance that she still had the fight in her, that she could still work towards being better. However, realising she actually needed a job was rather comical and surprising. So, Renee took the second opportunity thrown at her.

From then on, she went on with her life as she pleased, she tried new things at a new city, she met new people, she laughed, loved, hugged and kissed, she did charity work and tried to be a nicer person in general. And she also did exy. She never to have expected a career in exy and still looked at it as a temporary professions, and not just as retirement was somethings sportsmen had to deal with emotionally, and then they had to look for another job. Renee thought exy would fine for some years, she did like the sport after all, so she joined a big team, where she was offered a place.

It also gave her the opportunity to stay in touch with the others better, Andrew and Allison, mostly, she was just four hours away from the Fox Tower, but it was a shocking surprise to open the door on a nice Sunday to Allison standing in her door way, hand raised, ready for knocking.

"Hello," Renee greeted Allison, puzzled but enthusiastically.

"Hi, Renee. I missed you," Allison provided very softly, eyes gleaming with happiness, almost shyly. She came forward, hugged Renee, somewhat awkward, before Renee also put her hands around the blond.

Renee knew she needed to feel bad, now for sure, she didn't exactly offered anything to ease Allison's pain in those days. Renee, herself, was acutely aware of the date, Seth's death, yet she had no way of subduing Allison's suffering. Renee just tried it in the most private and invisible ways, not trying to bring attention to it, she just wrote more times a day to Allison in the last week or so, she tried to tell even more puns then she usually did. Renee was just shit at bringing joy to people. Or with Allison. Sometimes a kind word or a smile was at least something, or sharp words and a knife, if it came to Andrew, but it was harder with Allison and her grief.

It was not fair. Whenever Renee felt down, while she was mad at herself for not appreciating what she was given, Allison saw through her easily and told her a bunch of reasons why Allison thought Renee was wonderful or loveable. Or sometimes the blond just sent her gifs, which made Renee chuckle between training, as she checked her phone. Something small, but it meant the world to Renee that Allison was standing next to her and keeping her up, even as she felt like shit.

"I missed you too," Renee confessed, in a way she never thought she will be able to do so easily, freely even. Allison had to drive four hours to tell Renee she missed her. Even if it were for her own loneliness, Allison rarely lied, she would never outright do it or so bluntly. She actually missed her goalie, as she like to refer to Renee.

"Getting ready for church?" Allison asked in a conversational tone, after they let each other go. Renee was a bit taken aback, Allison was not one to care or follow anyone's religious habits, she learned what she needed in order to avoid hurting anyone's feeling, but ignored all the other parts of religions.

"Yes, actually," Renee smiled, something selfish and awful grinning inside her to the fact Allison cared enough, or payed attention even to this. She wanted made sure those parts of her were not thriving in her new life, but it was a work in progress. "But I can-"

"Oh, no. No, I'm sorry, I didn't meant bother you in any way, I thought, maybe," she nervously combed her hair behind her ear, "could I go with you, maybe?" she asked. Renee was not even sure what was happening anymore. "I can behave," Allison promised.

"Of course." Renee let her happiness be written on her face. "It's just a few minutes of walk, really," she nudged Allison verbally.

As Allison had nothing but a backpack with her, she just took her phone out, left the bag at Renee's and they went outside to the sunny, warm street. Allison reported dutifully of the happenings at the Fox Tower, about Wymack's latest headache, about the new recruits, about the old ones being the same "shit-headed asshole," as the blond said it, and Renee couldn't hide her enjoyment, despite herself.

Allison was still fairly quiet, she seemed to be in a relapse every time that date came, which was not unreasonable. People tended to be less of themselves to others, when they needed themselves more, when they needed to us their own kindness and mind for their own conflicts.

The mass was enjoyable and educational. Renee like the pastor of her new church, he was a kind and conscientious leader, never on to refuse help when someone was in need, not judgemental, accepting and forgiving. There was a big community there, bigger than the one Renee was used to living in a small village, with a church of more traditional built of old Catholicism or the bit chaotic but loveable hall that was closest to Palmetto. 

Renee like this community, it had its advantages. People were still friendly and it felt good to be something bigger then herself, to be involved in something that wasn't meant to be destructive or was a power hungry establishment. The church had good connections, making charity work more accessible, had more opportunity as a bigger establishment and Renee made friends she wouldn't have otherwise. 

The old lady, Emmaline, from a just a street higher, then where Renee lived, greeted them, speaking over three lines of the church, smiling encouragingly at Allison too, who was a bit lost at a situation at hand, but got a hang of it fast. People who attended church weren't so different than any other type of people, she must've realised, as Renee did many years ago.

Church attenders gossiped about their work, about their family, maybe about what their new favourite Bible verse was if they wanted to look educated in front of the Bible class lady. They were regular and therefore fantastic people, just like everyone else on the globe. Allison was smiling faintly, when the mass finally started and she also seemed intrigued by the mass itself.

Renee occasionally looked over to Allison, being in and out of the experience that the blond there, sometimes not being able to hear what the pastor was saying just because her friend was next to her after so many month, sometimes forgetting everything because of the mass that way going on. It was a weird balance of the two sensations, or less like a balance but more like a wave or a sinus curve of experiences.

After the mass, they stayed in the church for a bit, Allison wanted to spend some time there, without the crowd bothering them. Renee remembered what it felt like before she found God, being inside a church. Sometimes it meant nothing, but for her, even in her non-religious days, it was a place where she could just think and feel without anyone judging.

The church was a modern built, therefore warm enough for it to be comfortable, but private in a soft way. A father with two little girls where explaining the picture of Mary above the altar and a few other people were there, praying. Renee closed her eyes a murmured a short prayer, thanking for the feeling inside her chest.

She looked at Allison, who had her hands deep inside her pockets, in fists, keeping it close to herself, looking vulnerable, like this was her way of keeping it together. Her secret-filled, pale eyes were unmoving from the end of the church.

"Do you ever pray for him?" Allison asked quietly, still gazing at the gigantic cross at the end of the church hall. The goalkeeper didn't ask for who.

Renee didn't do it like that, exactly. She prayed for those who she hurt or wronged. She prayed for those she couldn't help. She prayed for those who couldn't be helped anymore. Seth was somewhere there.

"Of course," she said, because when she went to sleep, she thought about the man she killed, the people she mugged, the people she hurt and those people she knew got hurt in her vicinity.

"Do you think it works?" Allison turned to her. "Like will it get him to your heaven?" she asked and seemed genuinely curious. Not in a way a wondering, desperate soul would, who were temporary lost from a god, but like someone who doesn't believe in such things, but care what others think about a certain situation. As, maybe, such a different point of view could help her see the bigger picture herself.

"I can't know that," Renee said carefully. If she said Seth got the heaven even though his crimes and lack of regret… That would've meant she thought so less of real redemption, she thought so less of people who fought to be in heaven, she thought so less of people she hurt that she also just deserved a place in the sky. It was too complicated.

"Yeah, he probably wouldn't" Allison wondered, turning back to watch the altar once again. She didn't seem too shaken up. Her venomous grin was showing some colour, after a minute. "He would've hated it either way," she mused, playfully, like she was actually having fun. "He would cause such a mayhem, even if he started out in heaven, he would be fired by now, sent away or something," she joked.

"It might amuse God to some extent," Renee joined in the play. Allison turned to her, smile finally widening.

"Maybe I like your God after all."

* * *

The thing was, Renee worked hard to shed her unpleasant and noxious traits or contradict them, she worked hard to at least try to even the equation of her wrong doings, but she had to realise some personality traits could never fade, those could only be ignored.

Renee was a jealous person. In her teenage years she was jealousy of people with money, with power, with love, she wanted to be in a secure place, she wanted to be respected, she wanted to have more coke, she wanted a pretty fur coat, she wanted and wanted and took it without question. Her mind was consumed by the fact there were things she could never get, so she fought hard for the things she believed she deserved, what other thought was a necessity for her status, back in the days. She hurt and damaged, just to get what someone else had. When someone else had it, it was much better to take, then to earn.

Renee couldn't help being jealous even at Palmetto. It seemed to be a personality flaw she had to live with. People had nicer clothes, people had friends who they could be themselves with, people got to be free of guilt. People got to date, kiss and hold Allison Reynolds in their arms.

Renee knew it was borderline disgusting. Allison was her friend, even in the beginning they were on good terms and Renee, nowadays couldn't look into her eyes without feeling like a traitor. It was worse after Seth's death. Renee continued to be a jealous bastard, jealous of someone who was long gone, one day hopefully in God's kingdom, if she wanted to calm herself with the thought that everyone went there, in which case he would be able to see Renee and her impure thoughts of Allison, who looked at her as a kind and precious friend.

Allison chose the same team for her career as Renee did. The goalkeeper liked to believe her own participation had some impact on Allison's decision. Allison wanted to be a professional player and while the team Renee got into wasn't bad, it needed some more time and practice to get to the top. They were very close and with Allison they were sure to do it in a few years. It might've also helped that the team was supportive of players of all gender - as exy got its fair share of sexism and misogyny in its rising days.

Or maybe that was the only reason and the other was some makeshift things, selfish and egoistic part of Renee's brain made up. Renee tried not to be blinded by her obsessions and jealousy.

But whatever she did, she couldn't get to like Tony. To the goalie's credit, she found him a bit irritating even before he started to date Allison.

Tony was their team mate, a defensive dealer, a muscles tank filled with silly puns and bright smiles. He was a bit pushy but a goodhearted fellow. And as a grown woman Renee knew how to handle her problems and misinterpretations, so all of them hanging out was fine. Tony wasn't a bad man, far from it, he treated Allison respectfully, they seemed to be in love to some degree, as far as Renee could see it. So she had no reason to complain. Tony was just like Nicky Hemmick. He could get a tiny bit much.

He didn't know about Seth, though. Renee wasn't the most experienced when it came to relationships, of course, so she had no idea if Allison should've shared this with him. The goalie didn't even wonder too much about this, until Tony invited them out for the night at anniversary of Seth death and Allison sent Renee a look that asked for secret keeping.

Renee, the moral support she aspirated to be, decided to take the invitation. It felt like it was going to be a gloomy night, Tony and his funny ideas usually made Allison smile, which was not something easily achieved, but that afternoon, she was rather cold and closed off. It was self-explanatory to Renee as the date held specific significance to the girls' life, however she didn't know how to translate it to Tony without betraying Allison's trust. So Renee went out with them. Maybe the wounds were healing now and Allison was moving on.

Their destination was a crowded bar with flashy lights and an enormous dance floor, but as Allison wasn't in the mood to wriggle between sweaty bodies they just sat down at a quieter corner, sipping their radioactive coloured drinks and talked. Tony was particularly interested in a special gossip about their teammates and their possible involvement with each other.

"Don't be a child, it's the 21st century," Allison looked at him, with mock disappointment, "if they all want to fuck together or date all the three of them or whatever, they have every right to do it," she reasoned. Renee hummed her approval of the argument.

"I'm not trying to be a bigot-"

"That shit comes without trying," Allison commented with a dark tone.

"I'm just interested in the logistics," Tony claimed, one hand around Allison's shoulder. "Like how do they kiss?" Allison rolled her eyes and Renee chuckled. Tony almost looked hurt.

"I'm going to the bathroom, sort it out till I get back," Renee joked.

"I'll go with you," Allison took the unsaid invitation and left a grimacing Tony behind to fight their way through the crowd to the bathrooms. There was a queue but not the worst, there were a lot of cubicles and there were places over at the sinks for the ones who wanted to make out more then use the toilets.

"I'm going to break up with Tony," Allison said abruptly as they leaned against the cold tiles of the hallway that lead to the bathroom. Renee sent her a dumbfounded look. "Like within a week," she said, trying to be determined, like she was gathering courage herself.

"What?" Renee uttered, expecting a lot but not this. The last she knew they were happy together.

"I don't love him," Allison said, eyes focused on the tiles opposite them. In the noise her voice was almost lost on Renee. People were chit-chatting around them, and a serious sentence had no place at a club bathroom. The blond turned to her, looking stubborn now, not letting it go. "I don't." Renee was looking for the right thing to say.

"You are only together for, what, three months? You don't have to love him," Renee tried softly, turning with her whole body to her friend, hand unconsciously reaching to caress her arm, which in the darkness wasn't aimed properly and left them holding hands.

Renee definitely didn't blush, but hopefully Allison had no chance to see it under the dim neon lights. Allison softly squeezed Renee's hand, like the goalie was the one who needed reassurance or support. Renee had a faint idea she understood what was going on.

"You don't ever have to love anyone as much as you loved Seth to be happy,” she explained. "You still can enjoy your life, be happy in other ways," she tried carefully. It was a dangerous thing to say, she knew. Allison squinted at her, eyes murderous.

"You don't-" Allison pulled her hand out of Renee's, then groaned, deep in her throat. In the darkness she was like a jaguar before attacking. "I'm going to break up with him," she repeated again. She sounded collected, like this was a thought through decision, not an impulsive one. "I'm just telling you because nowadays you two seem to get on well," the blond turned as the queue moved and left Renee making a face only for herself. If she wouldn't have known better, she would've thought Allison was jealous.

But Allison was never jealous, it was a mindless thought. Allison, the feminist she was, made sure there was no girl hating around her, even going so far to sit down and initiate a conversation with the chick who stole her previous boyfriend. Renee also felt like it was the guys fault, but it took confidence and a certain kind of attitude to be able to act so Allison Reynolds like as Allison Reynolds did.

Tony later joked that Allison just arranged a threesome between the three of them. It happened at the start of their friendship and it threw Tony and his fumbling courting back a few weeks. Renee almost started to believe it actually happened thanks to Allison's closed off and annoyed behaviour, before the blond, a bit tipsy, confessed that she never had the opportunity to try anything kinky ever and she was kind of dejected by that. Her confession was soaked with Seth-missing as Renee liked to call it in her mind.

To ease that, Renee did what any good friend would've done. Bought Allison two meter-long velvet ropes to Allison, like the idiot Renee was. The goalie was convinced it was the first time she saw Allison blush because of shyness and not because of rage or pride.

Renee had no opportunity to ask her friend about Tony and the coming break-up as they finally got inside the bathroom. Renee peeked inside and she realised that it was bold and a very bad choice to excuse herself out of the conversation like that when they actually got to the crammed toilet. It was very different then what she anticipated.

There was a couple inside, making out next to a sink, predictably, however on the edge of the sink there was a phone still covered with a special substance Renee knew all too well.

The world stopped existing, the music got silenced, the air filled with electricity. Renee was mesmerised by the remaining of the white line of cocaine on the phone's screen. That was there, it could've been really easy to just take it, the couple were occupied with themselves, eating each other alive. It would've taken a moment and then she could run outside to the dance floor, no way she would be noticeable there.

She just needed to be casual and act like she just went to wash her hand-

Someone gripped her arm and every muscle in her body ached to attack. Only the soft voice and the unmistakable smell of the expensive perfume cleared her mind enough, so Renee didn't turn with her fist shooting out.

It was Allison, she tried to remember. It would be easy to tell Allison to leave her alone, she reasoned inside her mind. She had no opportunity, in the end, to put the plan into action, because Allison was dragging her out of the bathroom.

The cocaine was out of her sight but it didn't help anymore. Nothing else mattered, not logic, for sure, the craving was like smelling food after she forgot she was hungry. It heightened her senses, it made her mouth water, her fingers curling into fists.

Then the fresh air hit her in the face. There it was, warm but less sweaty. Renee tried to gulp as much oxygen down as she could to fill the hole that was eating at her now.

"Are you alright?" Allison's face came in sight. Renee wanted to answer casually  _yes,_ but looking into Allison's amber eyes, she knew she didn't need to lie. She shook her head. She didn't realise she was crying until Allison caressed teardrops down her face.

"Okay," Allison said calm and collected. "What can I do for you?" Renee let the tears fall now. She fucking hated her useless mind that was not strong enough. She shrugged like a small child and just wanted to be hugged by Allison. Somehow the blond realised that. She threw an arm around her and started to walk Renee down the street, caressing her shoulder, keeping her tight.

"A meeting maybe?" Allison asked, because she actually seemed to pay attention to Renee. "Let's walk a bit, I'll Google it if there's one, okay?" she asked and Renee shrugged again. She doubted any traditional AA meeting was going on, but maybe there was some kind of hotline or something, where she could talk to someone. "Alright," Allison smiled reassuring and she was so beautiful like that, Renee wanted to kiss cocaine off of her lips.

Allison took her hand, but this time she didn't let go as they started to wander down the street together. It felt nice to feel down and not keeping in together for a bit. They walked hand in hand, like they were lovers or small girls, scared to cross the street alone.

"What about Tony?" Renee gathered her voice, minutes later, when they were streets away from the bar.

"I texted him that I got ill from the booze, it's alright," she explained. Renee wanted to tell her how thankful she was but she feared she would actually vomit if she open her mouth.

The dull pull of the drug didn't left her for hours. But Allison helped. They went to sit in an abandoned park, Allison softly touching her back while Renee, fighting for every breath, talked to a nice lady one the phone, on Allison's phone, she refused to let Renee use hers. Renee always knew it must feel very special to be in Allison Reynolds hands and she was not mistaken.

Allison was upset, because she thought Renee got hurt. Allison was feeling bad, because she thought she needed to apologise, because she thought it was her fault somehow.

One and a half hour later it got better. A cooler breeze was making them shiver, but Renee could muster a small, honest smile. It didn't matter. She had a relapse, she would have more, but she was strong enough to battle it. That's what matter in the end of the day. And Allison's worried, loveable smile.

* * *

The fourth anniversary of the death of Seth Gordon found them in bed. Allison was already awake when Renee stirred. Renee's first instinct was to reach for her girlfriend but stopped herself in motion. Allison was twirling a lock of her golden hair around her finger, gazing into nothingness, but her face was without hard lines, she was just wondering, a faint smile on her lips.

"Good morning," Renee said with sleep-heavy voice. Allison turned towards her, then moved closer and put her head on Renee's chest. The goalie chuckled quietly. "Slept well?"

"You know that thing you do when you sleep badly?" Allison mumbled into Renee's skin, tickling her under her collarbone, then kissing her skin with the lightest touch of lips. "Like the thing you specifically do, when you just use me as a pillow and all of your five foot four goalkeeper muscles pushes me into the mattress?"

Renee blushed, playing with Allison's hair, caressing her scalp in a way that was hopefully apologetic enough.

"I kinda dig that," Allison looked up. "Like, if I have a certain amount of space for my lungs to fill, I like being covered by body heat and peach-pomegranate smelling shampoo," she smirked at Renee, mischievously. "If I can also feel my limbs. That helps too," she deadpanned. 

"Okay, I get it, I'll be more careful," Renee giggled. Allison moved her head upwards to be able to kiss the goalie's neck.

"I'm just joking, babe," Allison said teasingly, lips leaving their sweet mark on Renee's skin. 

Allison tangled herself out of Renee's half-sided hug and took a more comfortable place between the pillows, their noses almost brushing, Allison lovingly gazing into Renee's eyes. The goalie felt her heart fill with happiness.

"What are your plans for today?" Renee asked Allison. If Renee wouldn't have known better, it would already be evident something was different, Allison was usually up early in the morning, waking Renee up when she got back from her morning run. Renee tended to do her morning routine an hour or two later than her girlfriend.

"Not much," Allison said, smile honest, reserved and small. Renee reached over to get the blond curls from Allison's face, tucking them behind her ear.

"Do you want to-," Renee considered saying talking about it, before Allison would send her an ugly look, but the grimace never came, "talk?"

"Is it. Weird?" Allison asked, anxiously. "For you, I mean. Does it bother you? 'Cause I can stop or," she mumbled.  "That I, still, you know." Grieving. Renee smiled and snuggled closer to Allison under the covers.

"Love is not something you can only give a certain amount of," the goalie assured Allison. "You loving him, doesn't mean you don't-"Renee wasn't sure, she was brave enough to say it.

"I love you, babe, know that, okay?" Allison said cradling Renee's face, whispering it into the goalie's lips. Renee hugged Allison tighter to herself.

Renee never thought that being happy, something she sought with desperation, would be so ordinary. She always waited for something cataclysmic, she didn't know it was like this background thing that made everything so much better. She thought it was supposed to be something out of the world experience, something ecstatic that made forget everyday problems.

Yet this was so much better. Renee had a slowly cleaning soul, a mother she could be honest with, a career and Allison in her arms, every night. She didn't know happiness was this fantastic without it being overly dramatic.

"Do you mind if I talk about him?" Allison asked nervously, after some time.

"Of course not," Renee said a fast as she could, Allison needed to hear the conviction in her voice. Allison smiled, nostalgic, playful and a bit pained. Renee leaned closer, pushing her lips to Allison's shoulder, tasting her soft, pale skin. 

"Did I ever tell you," Allison smirked, "the story of how the two of us stole the Palmetto mascot's head?" Renee raised her head, astonished, looking for her girlfriend's gaze.

"You stole Foxy's head?!"

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [tumblr](http://answermywearyquery.tumblr.com/).)


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